You are not wrong to be upset about that. It's to be expected that you ask before inviting someone, event if the way you ask more or less compels the other party (e.g. "my mom will be in town for Thanksgiving, is it all right if she comes over?"--it's not like you can say "no, leave your mom at home").
I don't think you should always accept the type of behavior you have described. In this case, I don't think there's anything you can really do beyond trying to make the best of it.
That does make me wonder where the cutoff would be, though. Your wife's sister is family, which makes her husband family, so his mom has to be family, too. So then her new husband has to be family...so his 13-year-old daughter must be family, too, right? Do you just keep accepting people until you physically cannot support any more?
If you're upset, you're upset. Wrong and right has nothing to do with it.
You don't know why your SIL invited this extra person. You assume it's because she's self-centered, but you should make a good faith effort to understand her side of the story. Her situation could be a lot more complicated than you realize.
You already know that "calling her out" will not be productive. If you say nothing, she'll assume that everything is okay, and that's just as bad. Just talk to her and explain that you were surprised by her text, and ask that she not to invite guests over in the future without asking. If she had some reason for not asking you, listen and try to understand her position. You don't need to label her behavior as rude to make that ask. And you don't need to agree with her reasoning to empathize with her.
She's your wife's sister, right? What is your wife's opinion on all of this? What's been her involvement in the situation so far? How did she react to the previous occasions where her sister did not contribute anything?
Nothing right or wrong with being upset, that's just how you feel. It's what you'll do in response to this that could be right or wrong.
I agree that your SIL shouldn't have invited someone else to your house without asking you first.
Have you spoken with your wife about this incident and/or previous incidents wherein you felt that your SIL wasn't being considerate? This is your wife's family so she should generally be the one managing relationships with them, and any issues you have with them should be discussed with her first.
Also, have you been clear with all your guests that the event is potluck? When I host a meal at home and invite people over, I never assume that they'll bring anything; I'm the one inviting them to a meal at my place so I expect to be responsible for feeding them. If they contribute anything that's great; if not that's ok. If I want them to contribute something then I'll make it clear beforehand that it's potluck.
The grammar used in some of your sentences suggest you might be. The situation you describe (extended plus even more extended family coming over with or without an invitation) sounds very Asian as well.
Should that be the case, I suggest you quietly accept the way things are right now and just let it be. My suggestion for the next year would then be to try and restrict the get-together to the closest family members only.
I'm going to throw one out for "calling her out." I think the other answers here are probably more correct in general for this particular situation, and your wife needs to be 100% on the same page before doing this. Calling out shouldn't be taken lightly, and should be reserved for instances when you want improved behavior at any cost. But passively tolerating behavior is how you end up passively tolerating behavior forever.
A ruined Thanksgiving is better than hating every Thanksgiving for the rest of your life.
In retrospect, I could have been happier for a whole extra decade if I cut my parents out when I first should have, rather than passively tolerating their shittiness. Their relationship with my siblings is better as well, as they now keep their worst behavior in line knowing that one of their kids cut them out, another might too.
I called a friend out on shitty behavior. And while we are curently not speaking, I'm hoping they come around after more introspection. But if they don't I'll be happier not having shitty behavior around me.
So yea, bare minimum this is a thing that should be discussed. The uninvited guest as well as general self-centeredness. With your wife, in isolation first. Ruining a Thanksgiving to do it might actually affect behavioral change, because being called out in front of everyone will be much more impactful than doing it seperately later.
I know many suggested talking to your wife first. Maybe do that, but ask her how you should handle the situation with your SIL instead and don't ask your wife to talk with her or so.
Then take your SIL aside (don't be the guy who complains about her in front of her family/acquaintances) and calmly tell her that you found it unfair that she invited someone without asking you and you would appreciate better communication between you and her. To calm down the situation, you could maybe add that you're not resentful or so. Just be nice about it. If she reacts confused or gives you a testy reply, stay calm and tell her you don't want to be on bad terms with her, it's just about proper communication.
If your wife tells you to handle things differently from what I would do though, do that. She knows her, I don't.
Others have covered the situation with the SIL's MIL, so I wanted to talk about addressing the issue with the SIL not bringing food to the event. It's clear that this bothers you (and I understand why), and I suspect you think you have to put up with it now, because you didn't say anything the last X times.
But you really don't. Thanksgiving has its traditions, but traditions change when they don't work anymore in a family. As with everything prior commenters said, it's valuable if your wife can be part of the conversation or handle it, but if you're the main cook, it is 100% OK for you to do so.
At least a couple of weeks before the event, I'd contact the SIL and anyone else whose contributions haven't worked well with your event in the past, e.g., the uncle who brings some awful dish no one but him touches. Say something like, "we'd like to formalize who brings what to make sure we can cover all the bases for the meal. This year, would you be able to bring specific item X or specific item Y?"
There's nothing rude about doing this. You're hosting a traditional dinner, and you need to make sure you don't wind up with four green bean casseroles and nothing else to eat. I'd pick specific items that can easily be bought in case the person doesn't have the cooking skills, planning skills, or time to pull off a great version to bring. If you suspect SIL isn't bringing food because she can't/doesn't like to cook, rather than because she's selfish, ask her to bring something like dinner rolls or cranberry sauce. Those are good options if the person may have limited funds, too.
If you allow them to bring the MIL, I'd clearly assign her a specific item to bring, too. I'd ask SIL's husband, who is related to the MIL, what she can/wants to bring. In fact, including the husband on this conversation is a good idea if you can swing it. If your belief that your SIL is "self-centered" is accurate, the husband may well be more invested in maintaining positive relations and/or not committing social faux pas with his wife's family, of which you're a part.
I pretty much agree with what others have said here. You're not wrong, your sister-in-law is wrong, and either you or your wife confronting her about it might help with your justified angry feelings.
But it also sounds like this isn't going to change. I also have some drama with my family, and I've learned that the best thing to do is to do nothing. Accept that this is how your sister-in-law is, that she doesn't care about your feelings or anyone else's, and that every time you get together, she's going to do something to hurt you. When you invite her, you're inviting everything she is. And that is someone who will hurt you.
I'd just try to ignore it. That's not easy, because her actions absolutely affect you. But I would make it your job to learn to disregard her as much as you can.
I am reminded of something I studied long ago: a particular line of The Yoga Sutras of Patañjali. I had to search around to find it again, but I guess it's part of book one, sutra 33 (I found this translation here, though I haven't read beyond that brief bit I copied and pasted):
By cultivating attitudes of friendliness toward the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous, and disregard toward the wicked, the mind-stuff retains its undisturbed calmness.
I'm not saying that your sister-in-law is "wicked." I sure don't feel that way about problematic people in my family. But it sounds like it might be wise for you to disregard her as much as possible in that way. She's going to do hurtful things no matter what you do. Maybe someday she'll change and you can have an open conversation about how she's hurt you in the past, but she needs to make that change herself. Until then, she's not worth your concern.
You're not wrong to be annoyed. As a host, it's stressful (and expensive) to accommodate least minute guests! But I think you're focused on the battle, not the war. It's your wife's family. She will get shit for anything you do. Even if you help, I think your wife needs to "sign off" on it.
If you think your SIL is selfish, stingy, and self-serving, then the +1 situation is in line with expectations. On the surface, it seems like you should be able to shrug it off. A crappy person acting crappy? Life will go on.
You said there are loads of family issues extending beyond this one situation. Maybe you're fed up with the injustice of it all, and with how poorly your wife is treated by her own family. Why must your wife apologize to SIL for trying to teach SIL manners? That's not supposed to be her job. Why does SIL get to be the exception at every family gathering, when everyone else must follow the rules of social decorum? Sorry, but your wife probably can't trust her parents (and most of her extended family) to have her back when it comes to disagreements with her sister.
Has your wife taken the time to process this? She might not be ready for a results-oriented discussion until then. She probably has years of resentment to unload! Otherwise, I think you could strategize different scenarios together. You can't predict what will happen once you start rocking the boat, but it helps to have a plan. Ideas of escalating severity include:
• Do nothing
• Stop inviting SIL to non-family gatherings
• Decrease your participation in gatherings that include SIL
• Mandate a public potluck sign up sheet
• Renounce your host status for all family gatherings moving forward
• Take only the parents out Thanksgiving brunch
• See which extended family members are worth keeping in contact
• Come up with ideas for new traditions with your mutual friends and your side of the family
You are not wrong to be upset about that. It's to be expected that you ask before inviting someone, event if the way you ask more or less compels the other party (e.g. "my mom will be in town for Thanksgiving, is it all right if she comes over?"--it's not like you can say "no, leave your mom at home").
I don't think you should always accept the type of behavior you have described. In this case, I don't think there's anything you can really do beyond trying to make the best of it.
That does make me wonder where the cutoff would be, though. Your wife's sister is family, which makes her husband family, so his mom has to be family, too. So then her new husband has to be family...so his 13-year-old daughter must be family, too, right? Do you just keep accepting people until you physically cannot support any more?
If you're upset, you're upset. Wrong and right has nothing to do with it.
You don't know why your SIL invited this extra person. You assume it's because she's self-centered, but you should make a good faith effort to understand her side of the story. Her situation could be a lot more complicated than you realize.
You already know that "calling her out" will not be productive. If you say nothing, she'll assume that everything is okay, and that's just as bad. Just talk to her and explain that you were surprised by her text, and ask that she not to invite guests over in the future without asking. If she had some reason for not asking you, listen and try to understand her position. You don't need to label her behavior as rude to make that ask. And you don't need to agree with her reasoning to empathize with her.
She's your wife's sister, right? What is your wife's opinion on all of this? What's been her involvement in the situation so far? How did she react to the previous occasions where her sister did not contribute anything?
Nothing right or wrong with being upset, that's just how you feel. It's what you'll do in response to this that could be right or wrong.
I agree that your SIL shouldn't have invited someone else to your house without asking you first.
Have you spoken with your wife about this incident and/or previous incidents wherein you felt that your SIL wasn't being considerate? This is your wife's family so she should generally be the one managing relationships with them, and any issues you have with them should be discussed with her first.
Also, have you been clear with all your guests that the event is potluck? When I host a meal at home and invite people over, I never assume that they'll bring anything; I'm the one inviting them to a meal at my place so I expect to be responsible for feeding them. If they contribute anything that's great; if not that's ok. If I want them to contribute something then I'll make it clear beforehand that it's potluck.
That seems like a good reason to be annoyed. However, maybe that is not enough reason to remain annoyed after the initial shock.
Are you ethnically Asian?
The grammar used in some of your sentences suggest you might be. The situation you describe (extended plus even more extended family coming over with or without an invitation) sounds very Asian as well.
Should that be the case, I suggest you quietly accept the way things are right now and just let it be. My suggestion for the next year would then be to try and restrict the get-together to the closest family members only.
I'm going to throw one out for "calling her out." I think the other answers here are probably more correct in general for this particular situation, and your wife needs to be 100% on the same page before doing this. Calling out shouldn't be taken lightly, and should be reserved for instances when you want improved behavior at any cost. But passively tolerating behavior is how you end up passively tolerating behavior forever.
A ruined Thanksgiving is better than hating every Thanksgiving for the rest of your life.
In retrospect, I could have been happier for a whole extra decade if I cut my parents out when I first should have, rather than passively tolerating their shittiness. Their relationship with my siblings is better as well, as they now keep their worst behavior in line knowing that one of their kids cut them out, another might too.
I called a friend out on shitty behavior. And while we are curently not speaking, I'm hoping they come around after more introspection. But if they don't I'll be happier not having shitty behavior around me.
So yea, bare minimum this is a thing that should be discussed. The uninvited guest as well as general self-centeredness. With your wife, in isolation first. Ruining a Thanksgiving to do it might actually affect behavioral change, because being called out in front of everyone will be much more impactful than doing it seperately later.
Honestly, I like to do things personally.
I know many suggested talking to your wife first. Maybe do that, but ask her how you should handle the situation with your SIL instead and don't ask your wife to talk with her or so.
Then take your SIL aside (don't be the guy who complains about her in front of her family/acquaintances) and calmly tell her that you found it unfair that she invited someone without asking you and you would appreciate better communication between you and her. To calm down the situation, you could maybe add that you're not resentful or so. Just be nice about it. If she reacts confused or gives you a testy reply, stay calm and tell her you don't want to be on bad terms with her, it's just about proper communication.
If your wife tells you to handle things differently from what I would do though, do that. She knows her, I don't.
Others have covered the situation with the SIL's MIL, so I wanted to talk about addressing the issue with the SIL not bringing food to the event. It's clear that this bothers you (and I understand why), and I suspect you think you have to put up with it now, because you didn't say anything the last X times.
But you really don't. Thanksgiving has its traditions, but traditions change when they don't work anymore in a family. As with everything prior commenters said, it's valuable if your wife can be part of the conversation or handle it, but if you're the main cook, it is 100% OK for you to do so.
At least a couple of weeks before the event, I'd contact the SIL and anyone else whose contributions haven't worked well with your event in the past, e.g., the uncle who brings some awful dish no one but him touches. Say something like, "we'd like to formalize who brings what to make sure we can cover all the bases for the meal. This year, would you be able to bring specific item X or specific item Y?"
There's nothing rude about doing this. You're hosting a traditional dinner, and you need to make sure you don't wind up with four green bean casseroles and nothing else to eat. I'd pick specific items that can easily be bought in case the person doesn't have the cooking skills, planning skills, or time to pull off a great version to bring. If you suspect SIL isn't bringing food because she can't/doesn't like to cook, rather than because she's selfish, ask her to bring something like dinner rolls or cranberry sauce. Those are good options if the person may have limited funds, too.
If you allow them to bring the MIL, I'd clearly assign her a specific item to bring, too. I'd ask SIL's husband, who is related to the MIL, what she can/wants to bring. In fact, including the husband on this conversation is a good idea if you can swing it. If your belief that your SIL is "self-centered" is accurate, the husband may well be more invested in maintaining positive relations and/or not committing social faux pas with his wife's family, of which you're a part.
I pretty much agree with what others have said here. You're not wrong, your sister-in-law is wrong, and either you or your wife confronting her about it might help with your justified angry feelings.
But it also sounds like this isn't going to change. I also have some drama with my family, and I've learned that the best thing to do is to do nothing. Accept that this is how your sister-in-law is, that she doesn't care about your feelings or anyone else's, and that every time you get together, she's going to do something to hurt you. When you invite her, you're inviting everything she is. And that is someone who will hurt you.
I'd just try to ignore it. That's not easy, because her actions absolutely affect you. But I would make it your job to learn to disregard her as much as you can.
I am reminded of something I studied long ago: a particular line of The Yoga Sutras of Patañjali. I had to search around to find it again, but I guess it's part of book one, sutra 33 (I found this translation here, though I haven't read beyond that brief bit I copied and pasted):
I'm not saying that your sister-in-law is "wicked." I sure don't feel that way about problematic people in my family. But it sounds like it might be wise for you to disregard her as much as possible in that way. She's going to do hurtful things no matter what you do. Maybe someday she'll change and you can have an open conversation about how she's hurt you in the past, but she needs to make that change herself. Until then, she's not worth your concern.
You're not wrong to be annoyed. As a host, it's stressful (and expensive) to accommodate least minute guests! But I think you're focused on the battle, not the war. It's your wife's family. She will get shit for anything you do. Even if you help, I think your wife needs to "sign off" on it.
If you think your SIL is selfish, stingy, and self-serving, then the +1 situation is in line with expectations. On the surface, it seems like you should be able to shrug it off. A crappy person acting crappy? Life will go on.
You said there are loads of family issues extending beyond this one situation. Maybe you're fed up with the injustice of it all, and with how poorly your wife is treated by her own family. Why must your wife apologize to SIL for trying to teach SIL manners? That's not supposed to be her job. Why does SIL get to be the exception at every family gathering, when everyone else must follow the rules of social decorum? Sorry, but your wife probably can't trust her parents (and most of her extended family) to have her back when it comes to disagreements with her sister.
Has your wife taken the time to process this? She might not be ready for a results-oriented discussion until then. She probably has years of resentment to unload! Otherwise, I think you could strategize different scenarios together. You can't predict what will happen once you start rocking the boat, but it helps to have a plan. Ideas of escalating severity include:
• Do nothing
• Stop inviting SIL to non-family gatherings
• Decrease your participation in gatherings that include SIL
• Mandate a public potluck sign up sheet
• Renounce your host status for all family gatherings moving forward
• Take only the parents out Thanksgiving brunch
• See which extended family members are worth keeping in contact
• Come up with ideas for new traditions with your mutual friends and your side of the family