I'm in my early 40's, married to someone who's also poly. I'm only in one relationship right now, so I'm poly in the same way that someone who is celibate at the moment still has a sexual preference. Most of my friends know I'm poly; my professional network does not, as my personal relationships are none of their business.
I haven't found love recently, as life has been getting in the way of really wanting to spend the time on a new relationship. Work, family responsibilities, etc... it takes time to build and maintain each relationship, and I haven't felt like I had time and energy for my current responsibilities, let alone another relationship on top of the one I have. I'm really not sure when I'll have time and energy that I won't earmark for my existing relationship or for other areas of my life.
Serious relationships as a poly person look like serious monogamous relationships. I'm only in one relationship right now, with my wife, but before we broke up my girlfriend and I had been together for 7 years. My wife and I were clear about polyamory before we started dating, so we never saw any trouble with getting married. Marriage is about love and sex, yes, but it's also about committing to each other for the long term when it comes to financial and household responsibilities. There's nothing about multiple romantic and sexual relationships that conflicts with marriage, barring local laws about adultery.
I've been poly my whole life except for a single decade long relationship.
How visible I let my poly be has something that has changed quite a bit through my life. Currently it's very visible and in fact something that I also regularly advertise at places like work because I think it's important to my idea and it needs to be more normalized.
I'm not sure I know how to parse the question of whether I've found love. I've loved many people in my life and my life is full of many loving people. I don't understand or desire to restrict the amount of love in the world and would like nothing more than for it to grow, so I don't understand how love works in monogamy or how to even compare my experiences meaningfully on this axis.
All of my relationships are serious. With that being said, I'm still searching for an anchor partner. These days I now live with a nesting partner and her partner, but I don't feel like we're really committed to building a life together as much as she is with her partner. I think part of wanting an anchor partner is a recognition of how hard it is to find quality relationships. I think I would be equally fulfilled being poly saturated with a bunch of non anchor partners, but highly doubt I'd ever find enough relationships to hit that point. Most of the people around here who are poly are already saturated enough that it's rare any of them have availability for more than once a week or every other.
I dislike marriage on a conceptual level which has almost nothing to do with being poly, so no it's not on the table.
I'm invisible poly! That is, I'm very picky about partners, and it rarely happens that there are two people at the same time that I'd be interested in. It's also not very difficult for me to be in a relationship with only one person, so for all intents and purposes, I come across as monogamous to everyone. I did have a serious poly relationship before and it made me very happy, and I'd love to have one again. However, my current partner is not poly, so I'm not looking for anyone else either. I honestly don't mind - I'm happy and loved, and just because I have the capacity for more love, I don't have to fill it.
I'm not out to anyone aside from my closest friends and my partner. It's not a big part of my identity and not very relevant to my life really. Funnily enough, one of my former poly partners went the exact other way and is now semi-openly poly, with a primary partner and a few secondary ones (that's how they refer to themselves).
I'll add my own thoughts now that this has been up for a while. I've been consciously poly for ~6 years, but I was exploring it before I knew there was a word for it.
I am out to my friends, some family, and a few co-workers who ran into me on a date with someone that wasn't my nesting partner that they'd met. For context, I'm out as bisexual to fewer people.
Serious relationships, for me, include some combination of introducing them to friends, possibly taking them to family events, posting on socials with them, and spending consecutive days together. A step beyond that would be what I consider a "primary partner", who I live with, share items and responsibilities with, and default to spending time with (i.e. if I have nothing else going on, I'll be with or near my primary). I haven't had two primary partners simultaneously yet, so I can't speak to those dynamics.
For me, marriage is off the table, as polygamy is illegal and I don't feel comfortable adding a glass ceiling to other relationships. I'm also not religious, and marriage as a concept carries a lot of such baggage. I can imagine non-monogamous dynamics that support marriage, but I'm not interested in such arrangements.
How visible is your lifestyle to others in your life (personal, professional, etc)?
Personally, I tend to project myself as a raging polyamorous bisexual. I too did not know there was a term for what ethical non-monogamy or polyamory is until the last few years, but have been at it for 8 years. I tend to only be out to other people in the kink, LGBT+, or ENM scenes just cause I dislike explaining to people who are curious (in the sense of wanting a short story, examples, and otherwise are interested enough to hear it in conversation, but not do their own research) or arguing with people who are judgemental. Professionally, I don't tell a sole and project as a boring cishet monogamous person as my workplace is not so open to ideals outside of the "traditional" family.
Have you found love recently?
Been happily married for 4 years now. Recently ended up in a D/s dynamic with a new friend and have been loving every second of it! Additionally, have a room mate now where my nesting partner (spouse) and I have regular fun with. Room mate has it strictly platonic with me, but romantic with spouse.
What do serious relationships look like for you? Is marriage on the table, or is it contrary to polyamory?
A serious relationship looks like having strong feelings towards someone, showing them a great deal of care and respect, and treating them with a priority above close friends or your best friend. My other bar for people who do still have parents (and have a good relationship with them) is if you introduce a new partner to your parents and they know you are polyamorous, then it is a serious relationship (cause imo I am not going to introduce a partner to family unless I really enjoy said partner). Being a person who is married, but polyamorous, I found the married portion is just a formality in the eyes of the government. Our relationship has a higher level of permanence due to marriage (which also eases my anxieties slightly of being left for whatever reason my brain decides that day), but it does not necessarily mean it is any more serious than a relationship with other partners.
Thanks for sharing your own experiences and opening up this conversation to all!
I'm poly! I actually sometimes forget that I'm poly, because I'm not "dating" / aka looking for more partners, and am only involved with the people I'm currently involved with.
At present, I have a "primary"/nesting partner who I live with, a girlfriend, as well as several play partners who I see now and again for playtime. My partner has a second partner (who has their own nesting partner and playmates) and is currently dating; my girlfriend has her nesting partner (who also dates), and she dates as well. Previously I was a nesting "third" for a established nesting couple, which was an interesting experience that I wouldn't mind repeating with the right person.
I don't think marriage is antithetical to poly, because I don't think there's any single kind of poly, to be honest. Additionally, I hold the viewpoint that marriage is a legal contract between two consenting parties, and has no bearing on the legitimacy (or illegitimacy!) of any social relationship.
I've met people who are in basically dualed heterosexual monogamous relationships that share every aspect of their lives (two-households-in-one); I've met people who are devoted to their marriage partners (and consider themselves monogamous) but have tons of play partners on the side; I've met "farmhouse" throuples and so on that live in commune-style living; I've met polys who default to having one nesting partner and other non-nesting partners.
Visibility wise, my nesting partner and I are not "out" as poy socially where we live, only because it's none of anyone's business. Some of those in my social groups are also play partners, and generally those who aren't play partners in that social group know we're all playing together. I've spoken briefly to my girlfriend's nesting partner, though I've only passed messages along through my nesting partner to their non-nesting partner. Generally speaking, I am publicly a deeply private person, though online I am, like many, prone to opening up a little bit more.
I've been interested in learning about enm lately too
I'm in my early 40's, married to someone who's also poly. I'm only in one relationship right now, so I'm poly in the same way that someone who is celibate at the moment still has a sexual preference. Most of my friends know I'm poly; my professional network does not, as my personal relationships are none of their business.
I haven't found love recently, as life has been getting in the way of really wanting to spend the time on a new relationship. Work, family responsibilities, etc... it takes time to build and maintain each relationship, and I haven't felt like I had time and energy for my current responsibilities, let alone another relationship on top of the one I have. I'm really not sure when I'll have time and energy that I won't earmark for my existing relationship or for other areas of my life.
Serious relationships as a poly person look like serious monogamous relationships. I'm only in one relationship right now, with my wife, but before we broke up my girlfriend and I had been together for 7 years. My wife and I were clear about polyamory before we started dating, so we never saw any trouble with getting married. Marriage is about love and sex, yes, but it's also about committing to each other for the long term when it comes to financial and household responsibilities. There's nothing about multiple romantic and sexual relationships that conflicts with marriage, barring local laws about adultery.
I've been poly my whole life except for a single decade long relationship.
How visible I let my poly be has something that has changed quite a bit through my life. Currently it's very visible and in fact something that I also regularly advertise at places like work because I think it's important to my idea and it needs to be more normalized.
I'm not sure I know how to parse the question of whether I've found love. I've loved many people in my life and my life is full of many loving people. I don't understand or desire to restrict the amount of love in the world and would like nothing more than for it to grow, so I don't understand how love works in monogamy or how to even compare my experiences meaningfully on this axis.
All of my relationships are serious. With that being said, I'm still searching for an anchor partner. These days I now live with a nesting partner and her partner, but I don't feel like we're really committed to building a life together as much as she is with her partner. I think part of wanting an anchor partner is a recognition of how hard it is to find quality relationships. I think I would be equally fulfilled being poly saturated with a bunch of non anchor partners, but highly doubt I'd ever find enough relationships to hit that point. Most of the people around here who are poly are already saturated enough that it's rare any of them have availability for more than once a week or every other.
I dislike marriage on a conceptual level which has almost nothing to do with being poly, so no it's not on the table.
I'm invisible poly! That is, I'm very picky about partners, and it rarely happens that there are two people at the same time that I'd be interested in. It's also not very difficult for me to be in a relationship with only one person, so for all intents and purposes, I come across as monogamous to everyone. I did have a serious poly relationship before and it made me very happy, and I'd love to have one again. However, my current partner is not poly, so I'm not looking for anyone else either. I honestly don't mind - I'm happy and loved, and just because I have the capacity for more love, I don't have to fill it.
I'm not out to anyone aside from my closest friends and my partner. It's not a big part of my identity and not very relevant to my life really. Funnily enough, one of my former poly partners went the exact other way and is now semi-openly poly, with a primary partner and a few secondary ones (that's how they refer to themselves).
I'll add my own thoughts now that this has been up for a while. I've been consciously poly for ~6 years, but I was exploring it before I knew there was a word for it.
I am out to my friends, some family, and a few co-workers who ran into me on a date with someone that wasn't my nesting partner that they'd met. For context, I'm out as bisexual to fewer people.
Serious relationships, for me, include some combination of introducing them to friends, possibly taking them to family events, posting on socials with them, and spending consecutive days together. A step beyond that would be what I consider a "primary partner", who I live with, share items and responsibilities with, and default to spending time with (i.e. if I have nothing else going on, I'll be with or near my primary). I haven't had two primary partners simultaneously yet, so I can't speak to those dynamics.
For me, marriage is off the table, as polygamy is illegal and I don't feel comfortable adding a glass ceiling to other relationships. I'm also not religious, and marriage as a concept carries a lot of such baggage. I can imagine non-monogamous dynamics that support marriage, but I'm not interested in such arrangements.
How visible is your lifestyle to others in your life (personal, professional, etc)?
Personally, I tend to project myself as a raging polyamorous bisexual. I too did not know there was a term for what ethical non-monogamy or polyamory is until the last few years, but have been at it for 8 years. I tend to only be out to other people in the kink, LGBT+, or ENM scenes just cause I dislike explaining to people who are curious (in the sense of wanting a short story, examples, and otherwise are interested enough to hear it in conversation, but not do their own research) or arguing with people who are judgemental. Professionally, I don't tell a sole and project as a boring cishet monogamous person as my workplace is not so open to ideals outside of the "traditional" family.
Have you found love recently?
Been happily married for 4 years now. Recently ended up in a D/s dynamic with a new friend and have been loving every second of it! Additionally, have a room mate now where my nesting partner (spouse) and I have regular fun with. Room mate has it strictly platonic with me, but romantic with spouse.
What do serious relationships look like for you? Is marriage on the table, or is it contrary to polyamory?
A serious relationship looks like having strong feelings towards someone, showing them a great deal of care and respect, and treating them with a priority above close friends or your best friend. My other bar for people who do still have parents (and have a good relationship with them) is if you introduce a new partner to your parents and they know you are polyamorous, then it is a serious relationship (cause imo I am not going to introduce a partner to family unless I really enjoy said partner). Being a person who is married, but polyamorous, I found the married portion is just a formality in the eyes of the government. Our relationship has a higher level of permanence due to marriage (which also eases my anxieties slightly of being left for whatever reason my brain decides that day), but it does not necessarily mean it is any more serious than a relationship with other partners.
Thanks for sharing your own experiences and opening up this conversation to all!
I'm poly! I actually sometimes forget that I'm poly, because I'm not "dating" / aka looking for more partners, and am only involved with the people I'm currently involved with.
At present, I have a "primary"/nesting partner who I live with, a girlfriend, as well as several play partners who I see now and again for playtime. My partner has a second partner (who has their own nesting partner and playmates) and is currently dating; my girlfriend has her nesting partner (who also dates), and she dates as well. Previously I was a nesting "third" for a established nesting couple, which was an interesting experience that I wouldn't mind repeating with the right person.
I don't think marriage is antithetical to poly, because I don't think there's any single kind of poly, to be honest. Additionally, I hold the viewpoint that marriage is a legal contract between two consenting parties, and has no bearing on the legitimacy (or illegitimacy!) of any social relationship.
I've met people who are in basically dualed heterosexual monogamous relationships that share every aspect of their lives (two-households-in-one); I've met people who are devoted to their marriage partners (and consider themselves monogamous) but have tons of play partners on the side; I've met "farmhouse" throuples and so on that live in commune-style living; I've met polys who default to having one nesting partner and other non-nesting partners.
Visibility wise, my nesting partner and I are not "out" as poy socially where we live, only because it's none of anyone's business. Some of those in my social groups are also play partners, and generally those who aren't play partners in that social group know we're all playing together. I've spoken briefly to my girlfriend's nesting partner, though I've only passed messages along through my nesting partner to their non-nesting partner. Generally speaking, I am publicly a deeply private person, though online I am, like many, prone to opening up a little bit more.